We don't fight fair
by shadowkaru15
Summary: England is forced to babysit Prussia. There will be blood and pirate!England
1. Chapter 1

Summary: England has to babysit Prussia… and hell happens.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia… obviously

(This story is called 'A true man keeps his word' on Da, but I liked this title better =D )

"Oi, explain to me again why the awesome me is here?" England tried to ignore the demanding voice, currently enjoying his tea. "Hey, eyebrow idiot, answer me!" Trying was the word.

"Look here, I enjoy this no more than you, but I promised Germany that I would babysit you today."

"Babysit." The albino snorted, crossing his legs. "Fuck it, I'm older than West, why do I have to be babysit?"

"Probably because he expects you to do something stupid if he doesn't find someone to keep an eye on you." Okay, so maybe the Brit enjoyed this a little bit. Just a little bit.

"Fuck you." The arrogant man glared, trying to look self-confident, but failed. It wasn't easy to look good when you were being handcuffed to a chair. "And get these damn handcuffs off me, I'm not gonna play any of your kinky games."

The green-eyed man placed the cup down on the table, glaring murderously at the foul-mouthed man. "Do you remember the reason why they are there in the first place?"

"Because you have a fetish?"

"No, because you," The Brit got up, stomping over to the albino, poking the said man in the chest, "the first thing you did when Germany left, was to almost destroy my whole rose garden AND cut down my finest apple tree!"

"Well, it's not my fault if they couldn't handle my awesomeness!" Prussia protested, shrugging slightly, lifting up the hand that wasn't cuffed to the chair to point it at the Englishman. "Look, just let me go and I promise I will leave right away! Great deal, right?"

The albino almost thought he had won as the tea-lover sighed, but as he saw the look in the other's eyes, he realized so was not the case.

"No, a true gentleman always keep his promises and so will I. I promised Germany I would take care of you today and I will. So," Arthur got a bit of his punk side out, leaning closer to look intently at the red-eyed man, "don't do anything to fuck with me and we both might actually survive this day. How 'great' deal is not that?"

Gilbert cursed his bad luck, wondering if the rumors about the former pirate were true, or if he would risk breaking the chair and making a dash for it without being cursed half to death.


	2. Chapter 2

Story so far: Prussia is handcuffed to a chair and England is… well _ trying_ to make him behave. So far, the result hasn't been good.

Warning: Boyxboy action, violence, cursing a.s.o. Read at own risk. (Still don't own Hetalia)

"So," the gentleman returned back to his 'usual' self, "since I guess you could go under the label of being a guest, I presume I have to offer you something to drink," the Brit raised an eyebrow in question. "Unless you are hungry-"

"Neinneinnein." The albino shook his head furiously, knowing from past experiences that tasting the bad cook's food was the same as embracing death. Only with the difference that death (hopefully) wasn't half as bad tasting. "Just give me a beer."

"In this house, the only thing served is tea." The green-eyed man scowled, walking toward the albino.

"Of course. How silly of me." The self-centered man replied sarcastically, before he in surprise saw that his prison guarder (he refused to say babysitter) unlocked the handcuff that had been around the chair and clicked it shut around his own wrist.

"What, you really believe I would leave you alone for even one second?" The gentleman glared at the other and dragged the albino after him toward the kitchen.

Prussia smirked, for some reason starting to enjoy this. Not the handcuff parts, thank you very much, but the part about making the Englishman go through a lot of trouble for him amused the albino for some reason.

"Oi, Iggy, wha-"

"What did you call me, scum?" Suddenly the Brit's eyes turned dark green.

"What?" The red-eyed man shrugged, not really understanding the other's reaction. "America calls you that all the time."

"And that gave you, what kind of bloody right to use it?" even thought Prussia was two cm taller than the other, he felt for some reason…_ smaller._

"Relax man, do you have a complex or something?" The red-eyed man tried to light up the situation by joking a little. "Look, I know this really good therapist and-" he was cut short when the bad cook jabbed two fingers into his eyes.

"Don't be such a baby." The green-eyed man sighed, looking bored as if the wailing man's loud howling hadn't been his doing. "Really, you deserved it."

"What the fuck?" The albino spit out after a few seconds, his eyes still red and watery. "How dirty do you really play, you fucking-"

The Englishman got down on his knees, looking intently into the other's red eyes. "Listen here punk, if you don't keep your mouth shut soon, I will show you something that really hurts." He got up, yanking the other's arm to help him get up. "Now stop acting like a sissy and take it like a man."

Gilbert obediently followed the bad cook into the kitchen, his eyes still teary. _ Really, I remember West saying something about England being a former pirate and punk, but this? _He realized that the so-called gentleman maybe wasn't that gentlemanly after all. _Not awesome._ Still, he was not ready to just be ordered around for the rest of the day. Oh no, just because he lost the first (and second) round didn't mean he had lost the fight._ I will get him for that one. I swear that on my awesome diary collection. _The red-eyed man thought, a low kesesese coming from his mouth.

The war had only begun.


	3. Chapter 3

As they sat down at the dinner table, teacups in front of both of them, Prussia sighed and rested his chin in his hands.

"Man, don't you have any fun things in this place? Like video games or porn magazine."

The Brit sighed and added some milk to his tea. "Even if I did, why in the world would I let you near them?"

"Aha! So you do admit you have them!" The albino grinned, feeling that enough distance was between him and the bad cook's fingers. But not his legs apparently.

"Fucking, bloody… son of a dog!" The red-eyed man yelled, feeling even more furious as he got no reaction to his words.

" Did you take English lessons from a prostitute or do you always talk like that?"

"Fuck you." Gilbert hissed through gritted teeth, massaging his shin, where the Brit had kicked him. "Did you go get a haircut from a blind or did you do it yourself? Because I think a 5-year old girl could have done it better." At this point, Prussia just wanted a reason to attack the so-called gentleman, since he was too awesome to deal the first blow. _As bruder always says, don't be the one starting fights. Though I guess he meant something else. Meh, whatever. _

"Well at least my best friend is not a bird." The bad cook shot back, having an arrogant expression on.

"Don't insult him! He is twice, no three times awesomer than you!"

"You mean more awesome. There is nothing as 'awesomer'." Arthur fake yawned as if the conversation bored him. "Really, how old were you again? 10?"

"Fuck you!"

"I would be pleased if you did not."

The albino growled and leaned back on his chair, his brain cells trying to come up with a comeback. After a few seconds, he smirked and said (after he had made sure his legs where too far away for the Brit to kick him):

"At least I don't start to strip every time I get two beers down. The albino smirked as he saw the Englishman's eyes become a darker shade of green and what he had started to call 'pirate aura' seemed to seep out from the bad cook._ So, come on, hit me._ The albino cracked his knuckles and prepared for some good ol' ass kicking.

Then he felt something wet slip down his cheek.

* * *

Cliffhanger! *le gasp* Please don't kill me.

Please, feel free to guess what kind of 'wet' thing Prussia has on his cheek.

The next part will be the last one. Hope you have enjoyed this story!

So please comment and tell me what you think =D

And yes, I do enjoy torture Prussia, but don't worry, I promise England will get his share in the next chapter *smirk*


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Summary: Read the former chapter, then you'll know.. Okay, fine, England has been forced the babysit Prussia and right know, hell is about to break out.

I would like to thank the following people who left comments: Skadiyoko (Yes, they are giving each other hell xD ), MelodyOfStarshine (thank you, glad you like it^^) Kitty's Muse (Like your tea idea, but sadly, that is a bit too nice for or pirate.. ), psi-aura (thank you for the cookie and support *yummy* *glomp* ), Sakura Sango (oh yes, Prussia will have some fun, trust me =D), RainbowBrains (Oh yes, the world need more pirate!Iggy. I find it fascinating no one has guessed right, maybe the truth is to.. disgusting *sweatdrop* ), vampiregirl878 (glad you like it ^^ ) Motif (don't worry, they are too awesome for that *grin* ), IndulgedByTheRaven (thank you! Yes… *evil laugh*) and CheesyFursona (thank you! Hope you likethe last chapter).

Thank you all! You made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but on with the story, hope you all enjoy =D

Warning: Last chapter, so beware of long chapter and epic… something xD Also, lots and lots of cursing and Prussia. Yes, Prussia needs a warning. Oh and pirate England. Enjoy and refrain from eating while reading this please.

"Did you….. just spit at me?" The albino's hand was shaking with rage, the slime running down his cheek. "Did you just fucking spit at me?"

The Brit took another sip of his tea cup (and as if nothing had just happened) and with a challengingly raised eyebrow he replied after putting down his cup. "And if I did?"

_He has no fucking idea who he is messing with. Fine, if he wants to play dirty, then he has chosen the wrong guy to fuck with. _Gilbert scanned the room for weapon and as he found it, his smile became wicked. Grabbing the poor object, Prussia sent it flying toward England, who clearly hadn't seen it coming.

The pot cracked, but didn't break, but the mud inside it spilled all over the dinner table. With visible strength, the bad cook wiped some blood off his face. "So, this is how you want it, isn't it?" The former pirate's eyes became darker and a dark, alarming smile was slowly creeping up on the Englishman's face. "Then I shall accept!" Exclaimed Arthur and send the butter flying.

Prussia had never, ever been in such a nasty battle (or whatever word could be used.) before. At some point, they had managed to open the fridge and sent vegetables, milk bottles, ham and even an innocent strawberry cake (which had left a nice creamy line on the Brits hair) into the battle.

Due to the handcuffs, they weren't able to get so far away from each other, leading to a lot of close combat fighting. Including biting, spitting, tugging and in general things to make the other suffer. So far, Prussia could only see with one eyes and had several bite marks on both his arms and countless of small wounds as the Brit at some point had found a pen to stab him with. England, was in pretty much the same state, but with more bruise mark (the red-eyed man had managed to get his hand on Arthur's hand mixer, turning it into a fine weapon) and missing two teeth. Which had been fake from the beginning.

"Give up you sad excuse for a human being." The Brit hissed through gritted teeth, glaring darkly.

"Never you fucking cock-sucker." The albino glared as equal passionately back.

They were currently in a deadlock. Prussia had been slammed against a kitchen cupboard, the handle pressing against his backbone, his fingers squeezing the former pirate's cheeks in a painful grip. England's finger were also pinching the albino's cheeks, his legs being violently pressed under Gilbert's leg, as the albino's legs were tightly locked around the Brits waist, keeping him there.

It might had looked as if a passionately sex act was going on, except the death glares could not exactly be mistaken for loving ones. And the cheek pinching of course.

"Don't make me laugh." The blond managed to snort. "Your pinching is more like mosquito bites."

"Oh yeah?" The albino put out his tongue and pressed his pinkies inside the others ears. "How about this, then?"

"Bloody hell!" As the bad cook shook his head to get the fingers away, his grip on the other became looser, which Prussia didn't waste.

"Got you!" The albino smiled deviously as he straddled the furious green-eyed man, said man's wrists in a tight grip. "So, now you have to submit!"

"You fucking-" The former pirates curses were interrupted by a cough.

"Bruder, I'm here to pick you up." Ludwig looked around the mess and sighed. "Oh mein gott. East!"

"What? He started!" Gilbert got up from the floor, almost slipping on some smashed potatoes.

"Me? You bloody git! I clearly recall that you cut down my finest apple tree! Or have your tiny brain forgot that detail already?" England shoot back and with the help of Germany, got up (his legs had fallen asleep for some stupid reason) and handed the blue-eyed man the keys so that the two dirty fighters weren't handcuffed anymore.

"I deeply apologize England, I clearly misjudged my brother's_… gentlemanliness. _

"My? You have no fucking idea how gent-"

"Enough!" The German shouted, looking so furious even the albino kept his mouth shut. "Really, Bruder, I'm disappointed in you." He threw out his arm. "Look at the mess you have created!"

"Me?" The white-haired man was light-struck. He looked around at the mess they had created. "You think I did _all this_?"

Gilbert looked over at the Brit, waiting for him to confess his part of the chaos. But to his dismay, the bad cook sighed and with good acting skills said:

"Yes, I tried to stop him, but he was like an animal."

And even worse, his brother brought it all. "I deeply apologize and just write the sum of how much the damage cost and I will pay for it." The blue-eyed man glanced at his brother and sighed deeply. "Really Bruder, I thought you would learn how to behave from England, not teach him how bad you are."

"But…I…He…" The worst part was not that nothing he would say would convince his brother, the** worst part **was the victorious glint in the Brit's eyes.

"Well, I guess we better get going. Again, I am really sorry." Ludwig griped the furious albino's arm and started to drag him off.

"Wait." Prussia was not defeated yet._ I need to strike at least one more hit before I go. _ "West, I want to say I'm sorry to."

The Brit looked shocked, but then he seemed wary, his smile not reaching to his eyes. "Very well, my dear Prussia, then please say so."

As the blond German let go of his arm, Prussia walked (or more like limped) toward the 'so-called' gentleman. As he was close enough he forcefully grabbed the bad cooks chin and kissed him. "I'm sorry our fight got interrupted." He whispered, before his brother furiously started to yell at him (in German) and drag him out of the house.

As the front door slammed shut, England started to laugh. "That bloody git." His whole body hurt like hell, but he couldn't stop. "That bloody, ouch!" he realized his bottom lip had started to bleed. "That fucker managed to bit me!"

Prussia would later have to slave work a whole month under his brother, to make up for his bad actions, but his smirk always returned as he remembered the shocked expression the Brit had had as he kissed him. _I might have lost the war, but at least I got to give the last blow._ That thought helped him as he was on all four scrubbing the dining hall. A bit.

xDDD The End.

I manage to discover that I don't like writing regular ass-kicking/epic/normal fights, so instead of Prussia and England getting into a super bad-ass kicking fight with swords and guns, I let them fight with… pots and butter :rofl:

This song makes you write stuff like this: .com/watch?v=rNZ6V0RCfFE&feature=related I don't know how I got mad. I don't think I should go back.

I… don't know if I feel sorry for England or Prussia… but I do feel sorry for my biology book that I neglected in writing this.

But hope you all enjoy and just so you know, that last kiss was not Prussia's declaration of love, nope, just another dirty way of fighting xD

Thanks for all lovely comments and encouraging word and hope you all liked the ending! Love you all :heart:

I especially thanks all my friends on Da for making me write this.


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